hanging

I woke up early everyday of my summer. I am not used to doing so but I have to. Circumstances are compelling me more than ever to shift my habits and practice things i don't necessarily have a heart for or a least bit of interest in. But then compelling means no excuses so I follow through. I still stay up late during the nights, still do a lot of thinking and reading and sometimes purely existing, but when my brother leaves for his early morning jobs, it signals my waking up after an hour. it went on for four weeks. Four-should-have-been-fun-because-it's-summer-weeks. But I spent it going to school, everyday. Taking exams every once and a while and answering exercises like forever.

But now it has ended and so I do not have to wake up as early as I did during the last four weeks. I don not have to take late afternoon naps to compensate for my sleep deprivation. I don't have to consume all the coffee in the sari-sari store every morning just to keep me awake and attentive during the excruciating, dragging and seemingly forever sessions in the subject I least take interest in.

But what remains of me are question marks, pasted on my wall like glow-in-the-darks. Haunting thoughts of what will be, of plans that are based on the immediate occurrences and should-bes. I hate waiting and anticipation. I hate the thought of not being able to take full control of everything I am involved in. I hate being left in the corner waiting for someone to open the door and ell me that its my time. I hate how things don't just go my way and how things crumble when everything I wanted depends on them, on the satisfaction of the immediate, of the steps before reaching another.

And so I take on the role of someone who waits even if it kills me everyday of my life. Even if I think that I'm aging more rapidly because of the lost moments spent in idleness and purgatory. And i don't have much choice either. It's all up to anybody's power to either draw like from me or fill me with it. What i only know I can do is to take courage, and be hopeful and be faithful for the passing over of the uncertainty and the hanging moments. It's hasn't been easy. It's still killing me, the waiting and all, but because of hope, every death is coupled with salvation. Light or darkness may not have the contrast expected normally, but the situation draws the blueprint of self i couldn't have discovered without situations such as these. I am able to realize how control, domination and even power are things I can't always count on, that i have someone bigger to count on and trust with my situation. When everything is falling apart and ripping my soul to pieces, i have a companion who carries and lifts me up no matter what.

I'm still waiting...and hoping...and i hope this too will pass. So help me God.